You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
