I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
