Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
