my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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