also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
