i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
