Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
