: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
