She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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