Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
