Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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