and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize