I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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