i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Randomize
