Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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