It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
