she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
