she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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