this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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