your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
