nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
