Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
