I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
