saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
