my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Randomize
