It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Randomize
