Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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