If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Randomize
