Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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