im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
