Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
