I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize