Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
