Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
