i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
