so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
