Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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