Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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