I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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