I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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