What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
