Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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