guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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