there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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