why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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