Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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