apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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