i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I think weed is turning my hair brown
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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