why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
