Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
