Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Randomize
