I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
