I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
