Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
