I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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