I need help removing her.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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