I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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