Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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